One of my favorite books on understanding how relationship styles develop is Attachments by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy. In this book, Drs. Clinton and Sibcy discuss 4 basic attachment styles that are formed when we are children that were originally identified through the work of both Dr. John Bowlby and Dr. Mary Ainsworth. Throughout the course of the book, Drs. Clinton and Sibcy explain how the ways in which we relate to our parents (and other family members) when we are children can affect how we view ourselves and our present day relationships.
In my work with college students and other individuals in counseling, I have found that many times what we struggle with as individuals is related to how we understand ourselves and our relationships with others. Additionally, what we learned as children about how we view ourselves and others often continues to affect how we relate to others throughout our lifetime in many different kinds of relationships including friendships, roommates, spouses, children, extended family members, and even our relationship with God. When we come to counseling, we can take a step back and begin to look at how we learned to relate to others and how to view ourselves in the context of relationships. Next, we can often identify patterns in our present relationships and some ways that we can make changes in how we view ourselves and the specific ways that we interact with others so that our relationships can heal and grow.
Understanding the 4 basic attachment styles including secure attachment, ambivalent attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment can help us begin to understand how we relate to others and in what areas we might need to make some changes. For example, if I find that I am often distant from others and I have a hard time connecting with others, showing emotion in front of others, or trusting others to help me, I might have an avoidant attachment style. If I find that I tend to cling to others and worry that they will abandon me because I’m not sure that I am worthy of their love, I may have an ambivalent attachment style.
If you find that you are struggling in relationships with others, and you would like to take a deeper look at how your personal style of relating has developed and how you can make changes so that your present relationships can grow healthier, the staff at The Well would love to help you. Please call and make an appointment to speak with one of our counselors about how we can help you find understanding and acceptance in your relationship with yourself, with others, and with God.
Casey West