Coping with Grief and Loss

Everyone knows that someday death will come and a loved one will be lost.  To most people the thought of such a loss is unimaginable, yet the actual pain and emotional devastation of losing a family member or close friend is a uniquely experienced by each individual.  Those who have survived a death of a loved one can account that no one can truly understand the agony.  For this reason they feel alone and friends fail to comfort, words loose meaning, and personal identity, philosophy, and purpose in life are shaken by loss.  Since death is inevitable, learning healthy ways to cope with grief and loss is imperative.

Grief is expressed in various ways and can take forms which may confuse those around the griever.  Some people avoid emotions while others cry uncontrollably. Some become angry at the world or wildly impulsive. Others become numb or void of personality.  More often than not grievers experience similar scenarios on-and-off throughout the stages of grief.  Those who have lost someone testify that a vast amount of emotions and thoughts rush over them all at once.  There are simply no words to truly describe the heart-breaking anguish.

Grieving is the process of gently handling the pain, emotions, thoughts, and new way of life.  Grieving is necessary and may be accomplished at your own pace.  Grieving does not mean forgetting the lost person or leaving them behind as life moves forward, rather it means piecing together your shattered heart and learning how to re-live your life.  You will never stop missing them or loving them, but you will begin to heal and find hope.

There is no “5 step-program” or strategic formula for grief; however, individuals do share common responses.  Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a psychiatrist in 1969 that produced “the five stages of grief” for adult individuals.  The following stages represent feelings of those who have faced loss and tragedy:

1. Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”, “I’m dreaming.”
2. Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
3. Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
4. Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.” “I don’t want to live.”
5. Acceptance: “Although I don’t like this, I am at peace with what happened.”

Although these are common responses, there is no set order or structure of time in which individuals experience them.  Receiving counseling and learning about these common symptoms and how to cope through them is very helpful amidst the grieving process.  Likewise understanding the differences and connection between depression, anger, trauma, and loss is also beneficial.

Along with understanding the emotional toll a tragedy can take on us, we must also understand the physical toll. Extreme stress is the body’s enemy, thus having someone come along side you to encourage practical skills and guidelines will help protect your health and help ease the process.

Grieving individuals tend to feel very alone in the process.  Continued social activity and preparation for how to manage your expectations and anger with family members, friends, and “well-intentioned” church members is also helpful after a crisis.

Death of a loved one is a shattering experience and will change your life forever.  However, we do not need to grieve like a people without hope ( 1 Thessalonians 4:13).  We are not alone in our suffering.  Jesus is enough to heal the hurt and wounded.  If we focus on “why” this has happened we will never be satisfied with the answer.  We must believe there is hope for healing in Christ.

1 Thessalonians 4:14-18

“¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words.”

Casey West