Oftentimes we aren’t consciously aware of how our words impact others, especially the impression we may give others about our spouse, simply through what we say about him or her. When we are in the midst of an argument or ongoing dilemma with our spouse, it can be difficult to avoid negatively portraying him or her to others. Still, this is something we must strive to avoid.
The Bible reminds us that what comes out of our mouths can be used for either encouragement or destruction:
“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” – Proverbs 18:21
We are reminded in Ephesians that we should use the power of our speech and discussions with others to support and build up our spouses:
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” – Ephesians 4:29
A couple of things happen when we criticize or speak ill of our spouses in front of other people. First, people often do not get the full picture of a person or a particular incident based on one person’s account. No matter what audience you speak to about your spouse, whether it be a coworker, a friend or another family member, you have the power to influence how others see your spouse. When you build them up and talk about their positive attributes to others, others remember and take those positives into account as they form opinions. When you tear your spouse down and speak about all of his or her faults or shortcomings, your audience takes that negative portrayal into account when forming opinions. In turn, the advice you get or how you and your spouse are treated by that coworker, friend, or family member may be negatively affected.
Another (and perhaps more destructive) thing that happens when we criticize our spouses in front of others is the embarrassment and shame our spouses may feel and the inevitable frustration and discord this can cause in the relationship. Think about a time in your childhood when someone told others something that embarrassed you. Not only did you feel the shame of others knowing something you did not want them to know, you also most likely felt frustrated with and maybe even betrayed by whoever did the telling of the story. This type of shame and sense of betrayal is often magnified when it comes from someone you love and trust deeply such as your spouse.
So, you realize that you’ve had times that you’ve portrayed your spouse negatively or in an unfair light to others…now what can be done? First, apologize. There is much healing that can take place when we simply say, “I’m sorry” and “Can you please forgive me?” As Jeff Black noted below in his blog Your Relationship with Others, these can be some of the hardest words to say in a relationship, but they are also some of the most important for healing to take place.
Second, make a commitment to yourself and to your spouse to watch what you say to others and to take up disagreements you have with each other in private. Disagreement and frustration are inevitable in any relationship and you will surely have many times ahead that you will fuss and fight with your spouse. However, it is important to take your frustrations directly to the source, to speak with your spouse about what is bothering you, but to do so in private as much as possible. You may feel exasperated with your spouse at the present moment, but you may find that when you’ve had time to talk and work things out privately, you both had a misunderstanding of the situation. Much embarrassment and shame can be avoided by taking your concerns directly to your spouse and being aware of what you say to others about your spouse. At the same time, much encouragement, positive support, general goodwill and positive appreciation can be built into your relationship with your spouse if you seek to build them up and speak positively about them in front of others.
Casey West